Who the f*** are you?
So I arrive at this apartment building in Neuquén Argentina to meet my Couchsurfing host who will put me up for the night. I am supposed to meet him at 5pm, but adapting to the Latino lifestyle, I arrive a bit late. I ring the apartment number I was given by my host. Nobody answers. I ring again…and again…but nobody answers. I guess he is running late.
A few minutes later a woman shows up at the apartment building. Calls someone on her cellphone, chats for a bit, hangs up and then she looks at me.
I ask her what time it is. She tells me it’s about 25 minutes past 5.
“Well, I guess I have to wait a little bit longer,” I comment.
She smiles. I smile back.
I get my book out and start reading. The woman stays where she is. I guess she is waiting for somebody as well.
A little while later - it must have been after 6 by now - I ring the apartment again, just to check if the first time around the guy was maybe taking a dump and couldn’t answer. But no, again no response.
The woman asks me who I’m looking for.
“Cristian,” I reply - not thinking much of it.
“Cristian?” she asks.
“Yes…Cristian… Do you know him?”
“I’m waiting for Cristian as well,” she replies.
“…Are we talking about the same Cristian here - you know Cristian IGLESIAS (for privacy purposes I am using Enrique’s last name here) the one in apartment number 2 with a roommate named Luis?”
I guess he is expecting another guest.
“Yes Cristian! Well, I dont know which apartment number he lives in, but yes he has a roommate. How do you know Cristian?” she asks.
I feel the woman is getting a little bit anxious.
“Well, you see there is this website on the Inter..”
“You know him of the internet?! Listen, don’t get angry, but I want to ask you some questions, OK?! Have you been facebooking with him?! How long have you known Cristian?! Who are you?! Where are you from?!”
I am not angry at all, but this woman seems to be getting more and more agitated with every word that comes out of my mouth.
“Who are YOU?!” I respond.
“I am his girlfriend…friend. Sort of a girlfriend. Again, don’t get angry, but who are you?!”
“Well, like I said, I am a traveler and I’m staying a few nights here in this city…”
“At my BOYFRIEND’S place?!”
“…Uhm…I guess…”
“I am not entirely comfortable with the fact that you - gorgeous young gal (she did not actually say that, but it was obvious what was going through her mind) - are going to stay a few nights at my boyfriend’s. How long have you known him?! How did you meet?! Are you his girlfriend as well?!”
“Listen, girl, I think these are questions you’d better ask your boyfriend. Let him explain to you about this website. Are we really talking about the same Cristian here - I mean Cristian IGLESIAS?”
“Yes! My boyfriend Cristian GUSTAVO! He lied to you about his last name! His real last name is Gustavo! You gotta go! You cannot stay at my boyfriend’s place! See, he lied to you about his real last name! Find another place to stay! You are causing troubles between my boyfriend and I! LEAVE! NOW!!”
“Listen gal, I don’t think we’re talking about the same guy here. I am not going to stay at your boyfriend’s place. I am going to stay at my friend’s place whose name is Cristian IGLESIAS. I don’t know this Cristian GUSTAVO dude. And besides if he really was your boyfriend, you should know which apartment number he lives in and you should know his roommate’s name. Let me see his phonenumber…”
She shows me the number she has in her phone, I check the number I have written on my piece of paper. What the fuck! The numbers seem almost identical. But I think mine said 155 551 019 and hers 155 511 019, but before I get a chance to verify she starts screaming:
“¡¡THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND’S NUMBER YOU HAVE WRITTEN DOWN THERE!! ¡¡WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BOYFRIEND’S NUMBER!!”
Hmmm…this is getting a little bit out of hand. The crazy chick (actually can’t really call her a chick anymore, since she looks well over her fourties - with her two front teeth missing and a few grey streaks in her shabbily tied hair, she actually appears well over her sixties. Anyways, I can’t imagine the Cristian I am supposed to meet falls for this kinda woman. But who am I to judge men’s taste in women).
“¡¡GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!” she yells.
How the fuck did I get into this situation?
I was just going to meet my CS host. I admit I don’t know much about this Cristian dude. He might as well have been lying to me about his last name and hiding a lunatic x girlfriend, but I am usually pretty good at reading people (well their CS profiles) and this dude seemed pretty normal.
I mean I am pretty sure we’re not talking about the same Cristian and this is just a sad, but hilarious, case of mistaken identity (and a heck of a lot of coincidences - two women waiting for a guy named Cristian showing up at roughly the same time at the same building with almost identical phonenumbers - I mean it’s such an idiotic situation it freaks me out). But this woman has got it in her head that I AM SCREWING HER CRISTIAN and God knows what a crazy jealous ex is capable of.
Now I am normally not easily intimidated, but this shoddy looking woman scares the shit out of me. I mean I can deal with touchy and pervy truckdrivers, heck even two of them at the same time if I have to, but this ugly bitch I cannot handle. I don’t really fancy ending up in Neuquén’s Headlines:
“ASIAN TRAVELER MUTILATED BODY FOUND IN ABANDONED BUILDING
A sad case of misunderstanding and mistaken identity caused a poor Asian traveler her life. Ms. Ugly Bitch was convinced that Poor Asian Traveler was having intimate relations with her ex boyfriend. Ugly Bitch confronted Poor Asian Traveler, but as Poor Asian Traveler was tyring to get away from the absurd situation, Ugly Bitch followed her and dragged her onto the construction site on the corner of Rivadavia and Entre Rios. There she smacked the poor girl’s head and mutilated her body beyond recognition. Various body parts are missing. Until this day the investigators are still looking for her thumbs.”
So, I get the hell out of there! I cannot lose my thumbs.
*I do feel bad for Cristian GUSTAVO though. That poor dude must have gotten one hell of a speech when he got home that evening. How do you explain to a psycho (ex) girlfriend about an Asian gal you don’t know (“A traveling Asian chick showed up at my doorstep looking for me? But I don’t know any Asian chick!)
Oopsie, my bad.
